Leaving

This chapter is pretty interesting. The topic of leaving one’s home and the trials and experiences that go along with it, is a vast subject. In the first few classes, we grouped together, and talked of reasons why people leave. There were many reasons, asylum, refuge, new opportunities, work, just to name a few.

I can relate to the people who migrate looking for new opportunities. I moved just last April, with my two young children to Toronto. My plan is to receive a diploma in Accounting and a CGA designation. Accounting was part of my job for the past three and a half years because I worked as an accounts receivable clerk. I felt it was necessary to go back to college to better my skills and understanding of the accounting system. Surely the benefits later on will outweigh the sacrifices made now. The decision to leave home, family, friends, and everything the kids have ever really known was a difficult one. I had to make decisions not only for myself, but for my children. Where were we going to live? What will be our budget? How will the children cope without seeing their grandparents and aunts every day? What are the benefits now? What are the benefits in the future? I’ve had to analyze every aspect of my inner self to try and figure out if I was strong enough or even capable of living in the city again. I knew that moving to Toronto would mean very few days of seeing my parents and sisters, and even fewer of seeing life-long friends. I mean, these people are the people I lean on for help, advice, and friendship. Sure, having telephone and internet access eases any home sickness, but no one can give me my mother’s hugs or give the look of pride my father gives me. Just a couple of the things I’ve had to sacrifice.

The act of leaving, I believe, means having to lose something. This loss could be by the person’s own will or by force. A person may gain by having more success, more education, more experiences, but they will always lose. They may lose family, friends, bonds with their motherland, tradition, and even language. Losing is a sacrifice that occurs when one leaves. I believe the most frightening loss is not remembering. I myself have no recollection of what was taught to me when I was young of my Cree language. Part of me feels guilty for letting it go, and not trying to preserve the language of my ancestors. The other part of me is feeling not so guilty, but has a rather “pass the buck” mentality. I suppose it’s easier to convince myself that there are enough people out there who speak fluent Swampy Cree, to justify my lack of motivation to learn. I read an excerpt from Dionne Brand’s A Map to the Door of No Return. She writes of her grandfather and how he couldn’t even recall where he migrated from. Brand tells of how upsetting and life altering this fact is for her and her grandfather. The following are a couple of lines from the book.

 “We were not from the place where we lived and we could not remember where we were from or who we were. My grandfather could not summon up a vision of landscape or a people which would add up to a name. And it was profoundly disturbing.”

“It was a rupture in history, a rupture in the quality of being. It was also a physical rupture, a rupture of geography.”

Leaving is not just about the action of moving out of town, province, or country it is also about the physical, emotional and spiritual elements that go along with it. A true test of one’s character.